happy birthday

It is now just a few days to the completion of one year from that catastrophic day. It is your Birthday. You used to really hate this day, and I tried to change your mind so hard, and I do think I partially succeeded.
I wanted to bake a cake and in my own foolishly sentimental and useless way, celebrate the fact that you were born and that you entered the world, making it possible for me to know you and love you. I couldn't, but it is a good thing, in a way. I have come to terms, over this long long year, and though I always will have a painful spot inside when I think of how you might have put me out of mind in the most bitter way possible, there is always a hopeful part which pokes me back out of my maudlin sadness.
Because it's over, and as it was the awakening of a whole lot of things, it definitely wasn't the end of my life, when what we had, ended. I can love a whole lot more than I thought I could, I can give a lot more of me, than I could with you. You were invaluable, my dearest. But there is more to my life. Thankyou for helping me realise that.
And wherever you are, may God guide you well. Happy Birthday, my J.

strange

I've been listening to 'Drops Of Jupiter' by Train for the last twenty minutes or so( yeah, yeah, repeatedly), and though I must've heard it dunna-many times to date, somehow, I'm feeling it this evening. Strange.
I mean, it's unlikely. Just one last exam on wednesday, and I'm done with this term. And it isn't even a taxing exam, so I've already started feeling floaty... and then This.
Is it really meant to make you think?

suddenly

I've been ok most of today.. more positive than negative. But in the afternoon I felt suddenly empty and so lonely and sad... so I did the sensible thing and slept, because for all I knew, the feeling was nothing but a result of sleep deprivation. But when I woke, I was still not quite ok. And just now it has gotten worse. For no real reason, and really at the base of it I feel there might lie inadequacy, and that comes from a need for recognition or somesuch thing. I wish I could just get people away from my life, sometimes. The presence of people, even around me is so irritating sometimes. I just need some people, and I wish the others would melt away or something when they needn't be. I used to be better at phasing them out earlier. With this whole wake-up-and-be-sociable thing, all that has gone for a toss. Blah.

oh, fool!!

Yesterday I did something I haven't done for ages. I was foolish enough to think I could revisit it, that it was so far away now that I could go back to it and be objective about it. Was I wrong or was I wrong!!!
I am still a little shocked at the way it made me feel. Like someone had kicked me in the gut, like they say in those books. I was winded, and I actually had to leave the room and go lie down for a bit before I'd managed to regain my composure. And it was only words, and that too almost a year old.
I think it shocked me anew to realise how much I loved him, that words from a year ago still pulsed with the feelings that I thought I'd managed to forget. What was worst, I can still feel that feeling of utter loss, like something inside me had collapsed, like any moment my legs would give way and I'd collapse as well.
But it's strange too, cause I'd already realised that what we had was a limited love, and that I wouldn't want it to continue after a while. So though it was a horrible shock, it wasn't as though I thought it was the end of life or love or anything. But it was almost half a year before I could actually contemplate liking anyone else, and it was a painfully slow process through which I've reached this point today, almost a year later, where the first name that comes to my mind when I'm stressed or sad or anything isn't his.
But despite this having happened yesterday, and having disturbed me very deeply, I still went to bed in a happy frame of mind and managed withut any disturbing dreams and so forth. This is what unexpectedly made me smile:

"well everyone goes thru this... but jzt an advice/experience.... its up to u.. but jst forget ur past .. a past is a past u cant correct it.. or rectify it.. n further even if u made mistakes u should have no regrets! coz if have any it wud haunt u forever...itz very difficlt but aint impzzble... "

Unexpectedly you come in contact with people who you would never think of in terms of ever being your support in any way, and they surprise you by reaching out with understanding instead of the expected jesting retort. It made me smile, because I realised that was precisely what I was trying to articulate for myself! Such a nice way of kicking some sense into me...
:)

unsure

I'm unsure of what I'm going through. I mean, it isn't like anything is happening, or was happening, or even could have happened. And it isn't like I ever wanted anything to happen. So why am I getting so upset these days? I'd made a decision months back, and things worked out ok, after that. I got on with being me, or trying to be what I figured I was. Which may or may not be the same thing, of course. And then life flowed, and that was good, it felt good. I remembered at long last what 'good' felt like.. yeah, that's more like what it was. So what is happening now? Why am I getting stuck on something that I know isn't really there? Why am I creating illusions to hold onto? Why do I need something to hold on to, no matter now unreal?

Hmmmm...

Its a weird feeling. A little happy and a little sad. But more neutral and blank than anything else. As a matter of fact, a minutes reflection has brought it home to me that the sadness stems from the realisation that I am so blank about it.
Because if I had reacted in any way to what happened, I suppose it would mean that I cared about what the situation meant. But unlike what normally happens, this time I neither agonised over the 'why' of it, nor over what it signified, nor did it affect my study plan a whit. However, it wasn't entirely out of my head either, so I suppose it did affect me some way. But it is the blankest and most unimportant way that I would ever have thought it could happen. Still, its best, isnt it.

Nothingness

Nothingness all around

Nothingness within

Nothingness to see

Nothingness to feel

Nothing that I want

Nothing at all

Blahdom...

Blahdom.. what happens when you are a dot surrounded by grey stuff on a white page.
Should I quit this page and start weaving?It'd at least be something to do!
Weaving? Maybe. Maybe it'd be good. Maybe I'd have a dog then.
And could I write about how my life might be wasted if I weave? Wasted from a point of view, of course.
Would I be happy? I'd be using my hands...
I'd be on another page and maybe the dot would be surrounded by another colour that I could choose.

hurt

It is so easy to hurt me
That i could cry

But I don't
So it hurts all the more
Inside

A Thought

Here's a brief thought..
I'll probably say more later
For now this is all I've got
Just an arbit, floating thought

I hate this fact
Of not being in love
something huge is missing,
and I just sit here wishing
Cause I'm still scared
I'm still scarred
By the wicked doings
Of my own heart

But I can't help hating
Not being in love
And I'm just waiting
For God knows What!!!!

(More on this in a forthcoming post on men and the dilema that they pose)

???

It's a little funny. Just this morning, I'd actually listed out the rather large number of things I want to blog about here, and it so happens that what I am writing about now has nothing to do with any of those. Which just shows how bad I am at predicting these things.

So, it isn't like I didn't already know that the family situation in relation to a particular branch was and is and probably will continue to be.. in a word, strained. But I'd always been rather hopeful and believed that since the whole problem didn't have anything to do with us directly, it really shouldn't affect my relations with any of them. So I would treat those cousins just as I did the rest of my brothers and sisters. And to tell the truth, until very very recently, I actually believed that such an approach was alright and would enable me to be in touch with them as 'normally' as was possible in the circs.

However, the feeling that I had been getting over the last few months turned out to be absolutely correct today. And it really made me so angry and so sad inside.

I think it'll be simplest to first tell the facts and then fill in details of what it made me feel and why.

There was a suggested proposal of marriage for me the other day. Being totally un-ready for anything of the sort for another three/four years, naturally we turned it down. The guy seems to be what could crudely be called a 'good catch'. Investment banker abroad, etc.

Now, the bro had gone to visit afore-mentioned branch of family today, and happened to mention this as a kind of joke(which is what it was for us, because of various reasons). And M apparently made stupid comments like.. oh, she shouldn't have turned him down, he's an investment banker, where'll she get another guy like him, what does she want to study for now, she'll end up marrying her books, etc etc. Mom was on the phone and asked her if she'd be visiting anytime soon, and she said, no, i have to study. So mom gently asked why it should be suggested that I should get married and not study. To which the pakabudo had the gumption to answer.. Oh, she's in college, aur kitna padhegi!!

Now, frankly, if some old grandma or aunt had said all this, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. The fact that it was a sister of mine, and just 14 at that... really made me want to shake some sense into her thick head. It was clearly the kind of thing her mother would say. It was clearly not the kind of thing she would have said six months back, and it definitely is not the kind of thing I would ever take from her unless it was a joke the two of us were sharing. Sadly, she wasn't joking about the investment banker being a good catch part of it.. it is precisely the kind of thing she has been brought up to say.

Of course opinion could be divided about whether or not I'm over reacting to something that could have been a joke, etc. However, I don't think what I'm feeling about this is limited to the specifics of this case. It is the way things in general have shaped up over the last few months, and it has combined to give me this awfully sad feeling that I'm losing my sister. It's the kind of thing where you grow up to barely be in touch, so that you might as well not be family, but mere acquaintances. And I hate the fact that such a thing could happen.

what it's about...

I had thought that owning a blog would be a good idea, for I'd be able to express all the feelings that life evoked in me but didn't really allow me to express. But along the way, I realised that there was still too much I couldn't say simply because it was still ME writing.. the Me that people knew, the Me that they had fixed ideas about, the Me who couldn't get away from surprised comments about what i'd sometimes write.

Also, it didn't allow my wicked side free rein, I couldn't even allude to people in obtuse ways for fear that they'd come across it, know i'd written it, feel bad and upset about the way 'people' perceived them.. in short, create lots of pain and bad energy around them. If, on the other hand, I am to post such stuff here, it really doesnt matter, cause they won't know it's them.
(Then again, it might just end up sounding like it could be lots of people out there who I could be being mean about.. in which case, we just have to hope that they won't read it in the first place!)