I was so fascinated
I took a step forward, and another
and never even knew, unthinking
It had such a rich colour
And then the hues would change...
Even as I watched, unblinking
It swallowed me up, I knew not when
And suddenly I awoke
I was changed, I was tinted!
Then it cast me away, just in time to see
How beautiful the colour was for me
It was a rainbow, and it was all the same
Within me, around you
It was all so Blue
I fell in love
With a shadow, again
With a moonbeam,
With a reflection,
With a thought.
I grasped at the dream
Should've just opened my eyes..
Now I must forget
What this lie felt like
And yet trust
For substance, for care.
Trust..
Reflections don't come from nowhere.
The last week has been extremely strange. I heard on TV something about the number 7 and how people governed by it are moody and so forth.. and that happens to be all I remember of whatever that woman with the bad haircut was saying. Because I've been exceptionally moody this last week, though paradoxically, I don't believe anyone even noticed. Usually, when I have insignificant variations of temper, people go on about it as though it is the one thing above all else that defines me. And this week, when I was all about mixed emotions and confusion and turmoil, all around me there was some kind of silence.
It was the kind of silence that starts out by being imperceptible, goes on to make its presence felt, and keeps haunting you, trying to tell you that something is probably not quite right... only to settle around you softly, comfortingly, making you realise that it is not a cold strange spe
ctre come to scare you witless, but a friend, a part of you, telling you that you need to remember what you are, that you can be with yourself and put your finger on what's troubling you much faster than you could with all the familiar atmospherics.
So, I've finally reached some conclusions. These, I hope, will help me live out the next phase of my life in comparitive peace. And maybe I'll even rediscover the Me who lived with everything essential inside me.
Its the old old question, I suppose. Are people more important than things like work? The obvious answer is Yes, but like so many other things in this life, saying a simple yes would mean forgetting that there are no easy answers for everything all the time. You'd use this answer for one person, and then forget all about it with another. Fair to the core, we all are.
Is it better to agree with everything someone else wants done, whether or not that is in any way compatible with how you want things to function? Especially when it means nothing great to them. There is no positive from the situation, but turning it down leads to a lot of negative anyhow. And what really hurts is that it feels like no one really cares about what you are going through in the process. Is there any sympathy anywhere? For just one moment instead of logical analysis of the rights and wrongs, is it possible to just say that it'll be ok, and that there is someone who will stand by you? Fine, no need to pander to maudlin depression, but once in a long while, when there is that need to comfort, why is there no one you can turn to?
It is now just a few days to the completion of one year from that catastrophic day. It is your Birthday. You used to really hate this day, and I tried to change your mind so hard, and I do think I partially succeeded.
I wanted to bake a cake and in my own foolishly sentimental and useless way, celebrate the fact that you were born and that you entered the world, making it possible for me to know you and love you. I couldn't, but it is a good thing, in a way. I have come to terms, over this long long year, and though I always will have a painful spot inside when I think of how you might have put me out of mind in the most bitter way possible, there is always a hopeful part which pokes me back out of my maudlin sadness.
Because it's over, and as it was the awakening of a whole lot of things, it definitely wasn't the end of my life, when what we had, ended. I can love a whole lot more than I thought I could, I can give a lot more of me, than I could with you. You were invaluable, my dearest. But there is more to my life. Thankyou for helping me realise that.
And wherever you are, may God guide you well. Happy Birthday, my J.
