Hmmmm...

Its a weird feeling. A little happy and a little sad. But more neutral and blank than anything else. As a matter of fact, a minutes reflection has brought it home to me that the sadness stems from the realisation that I am so blank about it.
Because if I had reacted in any way to what happened, I suppose it would mean that I cared about what the situation meant. But unlike what normally happens, this time I neither agonised over the 'why' of it, nor over what it signified, nor did it affect my study plan a whit. However, it wasn't entirely out of my head either, so I suppose it did affect me some way. But it is the blankest and most unimportant way that I would ever have thought it could happen. Still, its best, isnt it.

Nothingness

Nothingness all around

Nothingness within

Nothingness to see

Nothingness to feel

Nothing that I want

Nothing at all

Blahdom...

Blahdom.. what happens when you are a dot surrounded by grey stuff on a white page.
Should I quit this page and start weaving?It'd at least be something to do!
Weaving? Maybe. Maybe it'd be good. Maybe I'd have a dog then.
And could I write about how my life might be wasted if I weave? Wasted from a point of view, of course.
Would I be happy? I'd be using my hands...
I'd be on another page and maybe the dot would be surrounded by another colour that I could choose.

hurt

It is so easy to hurt me
That i could cry

But I don't
So it hurts all the more
Inside

A Thought

Here's a brief thought..
I'll probably say more later
For now this is all I've got
Just an arbit, floating thought

I hate this fact
Of not being in love
something huge is missing,
and I just sit here wishing
Cause I'm still scared
I'm still scarred
By the wicked doings
Of my own heart

But I can't help hating
Not being in love
And I'm just waiting
For God knows What!!!!

(More on this in a forthcoming post on men and the dilema that they pose)

???

It's a little funny. Just this morning, I'd actually listed out the rather large number of things I want to blog about here, and it so happens that what I am writing about now has nothing to do with any of those. Which just shows how bad I am at predicting these things.

So, it isn't like I didn't already know that the family situation in relation to a particular branch was and is and probably will continue to be.. in a word, strained. But I'd always been rather hopeful and believed that since the whole problem didn't have anything to do with us directly, it really shouldn't affect my relations with any of them. So I would treat those cousins just as I did the rest of my brothers and sisters. And to tell the truth, until very very recently, I actually believed that such an approach was alright and would enable me to be in touch with them as 'normally' as was possible in the circs.

However, the feeling that I had been getting over the last few months turned out to be absolutely correct today. And it really made me so angry and so sad inside.

I think it'll be simplest to first tell the facts and then fill in details of what it made me feel and why.

There was a suggested proposal of marriage for me the other day. Being totally un-ready for anything of the sort for another three/four years, naturally we turned it down. The guy seems to be what could crudely be called a 'good catch'. Investment banker abroad, etc.

Now, the bro had gone to visit afore-mentioned branch of family today, and happened to mention this as a kind of joke(which is what it was for us, because of various reasons). And M apparently made stupid comments like.. oh, she shouldn't have turned him down, he's an investment banker, where'll she get another guy like him, what does she want to study for now, she'll end up marrying her books, etc etc. Mom was on the phone and asked her if she'd be visiting anytime soon, and she said, no, i have to study. So mom gently asked why it should be suggested that I should get married and not study. To which the pakabudo had the gumption to answer.. Oh, she's in college, aur kitna padhegi!!

Now, frankly, if some old grandma or aunt had said all this, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. The fact that it was a sister of mine, and just 14 at that... really made me want to shake some sense into her thick head. It was clearly the kind of thing her mother would say. It was clearly not the kind of thing she would have said six months back, and it definitely is not the kind of thing I would ever take from her unless it was a joke the two of us were sharing. Sadly, she wasn't joking about the investment banker being a good catch part of it.. it is precisely the kind of thing she has been brought up to say.

Of course opinion could be divided about whether or not I'm over reacting to something that could have been a joke, etc. However, I don't think what I'm feeling about this is limited to the specifics of this case. It is the way things in general have shaped up over the last few months, and it has combined to give me this awfully sad feeling that I'm losing my sister. It's the kind of thing where you grow up to barely be in touch, so that you might as well not be family, but mere acquaintances. And I hate the fact that such a thing could happen.

what it's about...

I had thought that owning a blog would be a good idea, for I'd be able to express all the feelings that life evoked in me but didn't really allow me to express. But along the way, I realised that there was still too much I couldn't say simply because it was still ME writing.. the Me that people knew, the Me that they had fixed ideas about, the Me who couldn't get away from surprised comments about what i'd sometimes write.

Also, it didn't allow my wicked side free rein, I couldn't even allude to people in obtuse ways for fear that they'd come across it, know i'd written it, feel bad and upset about the way 'people' perceived them.. in short, create lots of pain and bad energy around them. If, on the other hand, I am to post such stuff here, it really doesnt matter, cause they won't know it's them.
(Then again, it might just end up sounding like it could be lots of people out there who I could be being mean about.. in which case, we just have to hope that they won't read it in the first place!)