suddenly

I've been ok most of today.. more positive than negative. But in the afternoon I felt suddenly empty and so lonely and sad... so I did the sensible thing and slept, because for all I knew, the feeling was nothing but a result of sleep deprivation. But when I woke, I was still not quite ok. And just now it has gotten worse. For no real reason, and really at the base of it I feel there might lie inadequacy, and that comes from a need for recognition or somesuch thing. I wish I could just get people away from my life, sometimes. The presence of people, even around me is so irritating sometimes. I just need some people, and I wish the others would melt away or something when they needn't be. I used to be better at phasing them out earlier. With this whole wake-up-and-be-sociable thing, all that has gone for a toss. Blah.

oh, fool!!

Yesterday I did something I haven't done for ages. I was foolish enough to think I could revisit it, that it was so far away now that I could go back to it and be objective about it. Was I wrong or was I wrong!!!
I am still a little shocked at the way it made me feel. Like someone had kicked me in the gut, like they say in those books. I was winded, and I actually had to leave the room and go lie down for a bit before I'd managed to regain my composure. And it was only words, and that too almost a year old.
I think it shocked me anew to realise how much I loved him, that words from a year ago still pulsed with the feelings that I thought I'd managed to forget. What was worst, I can still feel that feeling of utter loss, like something inside me had collapsed, like any moment my legs would give way and I'd collapse as well.
But it's strange too, cause I'd already realised that what we had was a limited love, and that I wouldn't want it to continue after a while. So though it was a horrible shock, it wasn't as though I thought it was the end of life or love or anything. But it was almost half a year before I could actually contemplate liking anyone else, and it was a painfully slow process through which I've reached this point today, almost a year later, where the first name that comes to my mind when I'm stressed or sad or anything isn't his.
But despite this having happened yesterday, and having disturbed me very deeply, I still went to bed in a happy frame of mind and managed withut any disturbing dreams and so forth. This is what unexpectedly made me smile:

"well everyone goes thru this... but jzt an advice/experience.... its up to u.. but jst forget ur past .. a past is a past u cant correct it.. or rectify it.. n further even if u made mistakes u should have no regrets! coz if have any it wud haunt u forever...itz very difficlt but aint impzzble... "

Unexpectedly you come in contact with people who you would never think of in terms of ever being your support in any way, and they surprise you by reaching out with understanding instead of the expected jesting retort. It made me smile, because I realised that was precisely what I was trying to articulate for myself! Such a nice way of kicking some sense into me...
:)

unsure

I'm unsure of what I'm going through. I mean, it isn't like anything is happening, or was happening, or even could have happened. And it isn't like I ever wanted anything to happen. So why am I getting so upset these days? I'd made a decision months back, and things worked out ok, after that. I got on with being me, or trying to be what I figured I was. Which may or may not be the same thing, of course. And then life flowed, and that was good, it felt good. I remembered at long last what 'good' felt like.. yeah, that's more like what it was. So what is happening now? Why am I getting stuck on something that I know isn't really there? Why am I creating illusions to hold onto? Why do I need something to hold on to, no matter now unreal?