happy birthday

It is now just a few days to the completion of one year from that catastrophic day. It is your Birthday. You used to really hate this day, and I tried to change your mind so hard, and I do think I partially succeeded.
I wanted to bake a cake and in my own foolishly sentimental and useless way, celebrate the fact that you were born and that you entered the world, making it possible for me to know you and love you. I couldn't, but it is a good thing, in a way. I have come to terms, over this long long year, and though I always will have a painful spot inside when I think of how you might have put me out of mind in the most bitter way possible, there is always a hopeful part which pokes me back out of my maudlin sadness.
Because it's over, and as it was the awakening of a whole lot of things, it definitely wasn't the end of my life, when what we had, ended. I can love a whole lot more than I thought I could, I can give a lot more of me, than I could with you. You were invaluable, my dearest. But there is more to my life. Thankyou for helping me realise that.
And wherever you are, may God guide you well. Happy Birthday, my J.